Gleaming Lark

forgiveness

today i did an installation at mbcc (otherwise known as the new church i've been attending- and don't get all freaked out about me exploring my spirituality in a more communal sense, please.) through my bleary fog of no sleep, too much visual work, and the end of a cold- a work on forgiveness somehow manifested and bruce , the amazing pastor, guided people to it ever so gracefully in the service he led.  what resonated with me most was his request that we re-define sin by recognizing (admitting) and caring (forgiving) for that which is broken in ourselves and our lives.  he asked that everyone write down a word or two on forgiveness (who we'd like to forgive, or perhaps be forgiven by) and drop it in the glasses in the installation.  now, i figured that i, tiffany , and bruce would be the only ones to actually partake in this 'new' ritual that i dreamed up.  alas, i sat watching as person after person approached the work until almost everyone had dropped a paper in the wine, even a child.  and how moving it was to see so many people easily participate in this thing i set up, and to collectively forgive, be forgiven, acknowledge the broken parts, and then let go. 
the main sentiment that came up for me, as i struggled with writing down my mother's name (queen of grudges) is how do we even begin to forgive, or be forgiven, when we have not forgiven ourselves? how can i learn to accept my broken parts so that when i return home for christmas and my mother comes down on me about living in california and being an artist i can forgive her and see how her broken parts are speaking, instead of falling into the same spiral of self-doubt and lack of forgiveness that she is speaking from? it begins with us.  it begins with self-forgiveness. so that we may be honest, let go, and move on and through.  so that we don't remain stuck in a grudge or a place of unacceptance. so that we can model it, and understand the power of being forgiven.  and only then, in the grace of forgiveness, can we 're-gift' it.

i leave you with that, and some more photos of the installation. 

prolific, religion, and my limits

so on sunday i went to church.  yep.  for 5 years my friend from college has been trying to convince me that i need some sort of organized community and i finally tried it.  this is what i learned:
1. the words god, christ, and jesus make me hiccup.  they trigger that sleeping soap box yeller in my soul that comes up around feminism, children's rights, the importance of art in society, and american's skewed view of contemporary Africa, especially West Africa.
2. i have a hard time being a part of a group.  at smith, i wasn't queer or feminist 'enough' to really be a part of the 'movement'.  in san francisco, i'm not laidback enough, on the east coast, i'm not academic enough, in the straight world, i'm not mainstream enough. . the list goes on and on right? it's that age old problem of finding a place to 'fit'. . .well, i'm old enough now to realize that there is no one group that caters to all parts of me- or else i'd be hanging out with a bunch of katherine mitchells and life would be very boring.  however, this does not mean that i still, to this day, struggle with being a part of a group.  call ti committment issues- call it a fear of being trapped and pigeon-holed- it is a great challenge for me.
3. i still want to be a part of a group.  i still get teary when i see groups of people mobilize arounf a central belief or theme.  i still identify with faith in something larger than myself, and agree with many of the moral lessons and reminders that are written in the bible.  i am still fascinated by the history of the bible and the thought that for years and years and years, millions of people have used it in a million different ways to find purpose and guidance and community. 
4. i learned i am prejudice against christianity.
5. i learned i am prejudice against religion.
6. however. i am ready to find the place between feeling alienated from a spiritual group and feeling trapped by one.  i believe it is out there.  and so, i'm going to go back to this church. 
7. maybe if i drink alot of water, i won't hiccup on jesus?

On to another subject of interest lately. . .
my rants about being prolific and hasty in my art-making seem not to have served me recently.  last week, while in some turmoil over adi, i felt like painting alot.  and so almost every morning, i sat down and was churning out birds like a factory.  at the end of the week, and still, at the beginning of this week, i don't happen to like them so much.  they seem simple and not so precious like the other ones.  could it be because they were not as laborious? could it be that i am at the point in my monthly cycle when i am more critical? have i reached another phase of REALLY BEING DONE WITH THE BIRDS?????? who knows.  i've included some pictures.  i'd love some feedback. but let the record show that i have officially reached my goal of making 10 birds.  now i just have to figure out how to mount them professionally.  i'm thinking collaging them on wooden panels and then dipping them in varnish.  why do i not yet have an assistant to do these things? ? ?

and finally, to conclude the longest blog on earth. . .i wanted to post some of the cards from the new tarot deck i just got called 'aquarian tarot'.  i love the images, and am so happy to finally have a new

deck (i've used my mom's for years) that has clean energy.  it has taken me 8 months of researching and pouring over different decks to choose the one that i wanted. 

(this is my year card.  a card of choices and seeing myself through relationships.  it is the year that precedes my chariot year, also my soul card, where i will be bound to act on decisions i have made in this year.  the lovers is also my brother's soul card- it's no wonder we're communicating so much this year. . .)

happy making.
katherine