Gleaming Lark

still slogging through. wish i could simplify like in the detail.

hmmmmmmm.

conceived in the ship, coming to terms in the tower

no matter how hard i try to decide what to do beforehand, i always just do whatever i want in the moment.

i've been saying for weeks 'i think i want to get back to those old abstracts.  i want to break out the oils and the canvas and start at square one.'  but when i finally sat down to make last night, those bright colors screamed my name again, and i was making a mess with splatter ink on paper.  this process in myself makes me feel two ways:

1. it's good that i always do whatever i want, all the time, no matter what.
2. there is no use ever thinking about anything because my intuition always wins and i'm not actually     driving.

(skip to last paragraph here if you're short on time...it took me awhile to get to the point...)

NOT ACTUALLY DRIVING.  which brings me to the whole faith/belief thing that i've been rolling about in my head lately, as to why we believe in things of which there are no proof, and how potential energy is actually that threshold where we don't know what will happen- and yet we step again and again into the threshold, the interstice, with a BELIEF that there is something on the other side.  we take risks again and again as we step into the void...and yet, the most exciting part is that holding place before the risk, the space before we act- when we believe in potential- when anything is possible.  it is the moment before conception, before movement, before speaking, marking, or making. it is a very quiet moment.   it is primordial.  it is religious. and for me it is the definition of freedom.

AND YET this moment does not exist without action.  the interstice does not exist without the boundaries.  there is no before unless there is an after.  rites of passage exist for a reason.

THERE IS SOMETHING HERE related to 'emergence'  done by radio lab. . .spontaneous order from chaos, though my focus seems to be more on the chaos before the order...but i think it's the NOT DRIVING part, and the illusion of leaders and safety in society, where at the root we are all bumbling about believing in things that don't totally exist (immortality, for example) because we need to believe in something, and at the same time, need to know that we can't control anything.

I AM NOT arguing for existentialism.  i believe we have a responsibility to act.  i just think it's interesting how people believe in the potential of things.  they romanticize what could be.  they live in the dreams and the possibilities.  and then life just happens to you, and you have to throw up your arms and understand that you're not really in control of everything that comes to you.  we constantly exist in this state of trying so hard to make things happen, and yet more deeply, what fuels us (or at least me) to keep going is this belief that tomorrow it might be different, that we will meet someone new on the train, that some shadow on some sidewalk inspires us to act.  it's a deep and rich place, living with the knowledge that in each moment you are actually just potential energy, you are actually in a rite of passage between one chapter and another, that there is a constant undulating mobility to our existence that is the difference between stopping and standing still.  in stillness there is the quiet hum of what will come next.

i love that quiet hum.  if i could make it, spoon it in bed, eat it whole without swallowing, i would. 

now how's THAT for an artist's statement.